Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Funniest Things About the NBA - Part 2


As promised, we present to you The Funniest Things ABout the NBA, Part 2. If you have any further suggestions (we've already received a few) please send them via email and hopefully we'll be able to tackle a Part 3 in the coming weeks. Enjoy...



The Refs

Ant's Take: In my eyes, the refs should just pull a George Constanza and do the opposite of what they have been. I mean at this point we'd be better off having Jerry's kids calling games rather than notoriously bad refs like Bennett Salvatore and Violet Palmer. And why are there so many old zebras? No one under 70 is interested in becoming a ref? They should just clone like 300 Ed Hochulis and get it over with.

Paul's Take: We all know how awful the NBA refs are, but it amazes me how some of the old farts are able to get up and down the court. Why isn't anyone investigating steroid usage by Dick Bavetta, Jack Nies, or Bennett Salvatore? Seriously. Isn't that a little strange that these senior citizens are able to get up and down the court with relative ease? Last season, the trio of 70 somethings finished 2, 3, and 4 respectively in # of games refereed. Wouldn't that be the same as Kevin Willis, Dikembe Mutumbo, and Tony Massenburg leading the NBA in minutes? Someone needs to look into this.



Shawn Marion's Shot

Ant's Take: You know when you're playing H-O-R-S-E and you've got someone on the ropes and you pull the old, "Okay, shoot a jumper off the glass, with both elbows sticking out, while kicking your feet together, and doing your best impression of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man'". Well, somewhere along the line Marion learned to master that shot and has kept it as his own ever since. Hey, whatever works...

Paul's Take: His shot is so ugly that if he wasn't an NBA player, he could easily be one of those guys everyone laughs at during halftime of a college game when he bricks a 3-pointer for $5,000. Who taught him how to shoot, Carlton Banks?


Ben Wallace Shooting Free Throws

Ant's Take: Well first of all, how about getting rid of the leg warmers on your arms Bennie Boy? It's supposed to be a wristband bro, not the legs of Fat Joe's sweatpants. I mean look at those things, there's loose strings popping out, boll weevils eating their way through his flesh, it's no wonder he can't shoot free throws for shit.

Paul's Take: The greatest adventure in the NBA has to be the free throw shooting of Ben Wallace. At least Shaq consistently touches rim-- the same can't be said for Ben Wallace who religiously heaves bricks and air balls. Can someone tell him that shooting free throws is NOTHING like taking slap shots at an empty net?! Seriously I don't get it, the guy has had about 8 years in the NBA to figure out how to shoot the ball and he's an outstanding athlete. Please explain to me why he can't simply become a respectable free throw shooter.


Mark Blount

Ant's Take: Being nicknamed "Stone Hands" on the beloved Celticsblog.com site gives you a pretty good indication of how awful Blount can be at times. Check out the atrocious stats Paul has listed below, especially those on rebounding. 27 minutes without a board? He's 7-feet tall! Was he running away from rebounds? Were Ruben Studdard and Karl Winslow boxing him out? What the hell? And how about this stat-- only twice did Mark gather double-digit rebounds in 82 games. The guy is a walking zombie out there--it's no wonder Danny Ainge has been shopping him more than a '77 Camaro on eBay.

Paul's Take: The 10 most embarassing Mark Blount statistics from the 2004-05 season:

10. He went through a stretch last season where he didn't record a single rebound in 27 minutes of play.

9. His numbers slipped in just about every single category this past season from the 2003-04 campaign, his contract 'bust-out' year. (10.3 PPG to 9.4; 56.6 FG% to 52.9; 71.9 FT% to 71.3; 1.0 Stls to 0.4; 1.3 Blks to 0.8; 7.2 RPG to 4.8).

8. March 30 vs DAL: 16 Mins, 2 Pts, 1-3 FG, 0 Rebs, 0 Blks, 2 TO

7. He went through another stretch last season where he didn't record a single rebound in 27 minutes of play.

6. He averaged more than twice as many turnovers (1.93) as blocks (0.8) last season, a feat not even Darko Milicic or Daniel Santiago could pull off.

5. January 19 vs CHI: 22 Mins, 0 Pts, 0-3 FG, 0 Rebs, 0 Blks, 3 PF, 3 TO

4. He went through another stretch last season where he didn't record a single rebound in 28 minutes of play.

3. Playoff Series vs Indiana: 4 Games, 3 DNP-CDs, 43 Mins, 8 Pts, 4-14 FG, 0-2 FTs, 6 Rebs, 0 Blks, 6 PF, 5 TO

2. He recorded as many or more fouls than rebounds in a single game 32 times last season, more than either of the atrocious Collins twins (Jason 31, Jarron 28).

1. He went through another stretch last season where he didn't record a single rebound in 34 minutes of play.


Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacques Wamutombo

Ant's Take: It must suck to get your shot swatted into the 13th row and get screamed at in Swahili with that 17-inch finger waving in your face. Actually, it's not Swahili. Expert translators have determined that Mutombo speaks his own personal language, nowhere to be found in text, only in the 7-footers wild, goofy mind. In fact, the only other person I can think of as strange as Deke is Sir Charles. Imagine if they had a weekly TNT segment with Barkley interviewing Mutombo? I bet the first week would go something like this...

Dikembe: "Mootumboo grash bhjal ehgy nilte ohn YOU!

Sir Charles: "Kinny, what'd this foo just say?"

Dikembe: "Mootumboo ngho foo!"

Sir Charles: "I don't have time fo dis shit here, where's Shaq? I love Shaq, and you know why I love Shaq Ernie? Cuz the thing bout Shaq is that he plays basketball like Soopaman, dats why he's got that tattoo cuz no tattoo could be better on Shaq than Soopaman. Where's Soopaman? Mutombo aint no Soopaman, you poopaman!"

Dikembe: "Mutumboo poop on YOU"

--End of show

Paul's Take: You ever heard the story about Mutumbo going to that bar when he was at Georgetown? Well I met someone recently who claims to have been at Georgetown at the time and told me the story like this-- a young Dikembe (I think he was a sophomore at the time, meaning he was probably around 28) was beloved by his fellow classmates at G'Town, known to be a very social and friendly guy. He was also an inexperienced drinker and supposedly got BOMBED whenever he went out and partied, which was very seldom. One night, Deke rolled to some club in Maryland with some friends, absolutely belligerent and dressed like a fool, and upon making his presence felt, hollered out, "WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTUMBO?! WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTUMBO?!" The entire bar went silent for a few brief seconds before erupting into laughter. How can you not LOVE this guy?!



Delonte West

Ant's Take: First things first, I am a St. Joe's grad and have heard everything in the book about Delonte's "spot," for lack of a better term. Now you may look at him and feel bad, but I look at him and know what a thug he was and how he hooked up with one of my best girl friends and left her in the dust. The weirdest part about that blotch is that he has a tattoo on his arm that says "Redz". Is that what kids called him in high school? Maybe he drank too much red Kool-Aid one day after getting stoned and it stained his face. In addition to his spot and Dumbo ears, it looks like he's got a little Stuart Scott eye developing too. Man, this guy's a mess...

Paul's Take: I refer you to a post I wrote on July 1:

Yesterday I had the opportunity to watch a superb Timberwolves/Celtics game from March 6th of this year. Latrell Sprewell hit a game-winning floater with 0.9 seconds left, but that was far from the highlight of the broadcast. During halftime, FSN-NE aired a feature on Delonte West which may have tipped Bill Simmons' infamous 'unintentional comedy scale'. I've known West for some time now, ever since my Wildcats clashed with the St.Joe's Hawks and the entire Villanova student section mercilessly scremed out, "HERPES...HERPES!" every time Delonte touched the ball (I did not participate, I swear to GOD). And I had heard stories from St. Joe's kids that he was a bit of an oddball, but my goodness. If any of you ever get a chance to check out this game, fast forward it to halftime and prepare to laugh yourself senseless. Here are a couple Delonte excerpts from the feature...

-"My game is not speed. My game is finesse...and sexy...and chocolate...and all that good stuff."

-"Bugs Bunny is the smoothest dude I ever met. You know, he be chillin', like it just be a normal day and he-- it be cold just like how it is in Boston and he just want to dive in the ground, pop up, and he be like, 'oh man, this ain't Albuquerque.' That's got to be the tightest life, you just hop underneath the ground and go! No traffic, no Mass Pike, no tolls, no lights, no taking Yankees hats off-- just underneath the ground...BAM...carrots...Albuquerque. It might seem crazy to you, but it's just a different way of expressing myself. I think it's kind of freaky."



Darko

Ant's Take: The only guy left in the league who frosts his tips. This isn't Baywatch dude. You play with guys named Rip and Chauncey, not David Charvet and Mitch Buchanan.

Paul's Take: I hope you all enjoyed the Isiah Thomas futuristic trivia game from Part 1. If you passed, then I believe you're ready to take on the next challenge-- the 'Who Said That About Darko Milicic Game?'. Good luck (answers on bottom right).

1. "Darko reminds me of a young Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt used to do a little of everything, and I haven't seen a big man with so much skill since Wilt."

A: Bill Russell
B: Pistons Owner Bill Davidson
C: Pistons Scout Will Robinson
D: Elgin Baylor

2. "Darko really is one of a kind. He runs the floor, handles the ball, shoots an NBA three and plays with his back to the basket. So you can slot him at the 3, 4 or 5. Okay, a few other guys can do that too; what sets Darko apart is his toughness in the post. You’ve got to love a guy who has the footwork to spin by an opponent but still prefers to lower a shoulder and bang. Fact is, Milicic plays in attack mode at both ends of the floor. The more you push, the more he pushes back."

A: Ric Bucher
B: Joe Dumars
C: Rick Carlisle
D: Chad Ford

3. "His game incorporates vast stores of petulance and impatience. He glares at refs. His shoulders sag when calls don’t go his way. He elbows the opposite center in the throat and tosses the ball at another opponent following a whistle. At times, he stalks the court with a leering grin on his face. It may not be the kind of behavior considered classy around here, but that doesn’t really matter: Darko is about to move on."

A: Brett Forrest, ESPN the Magazine
B: Sean Devaney, Sporting News
C: Jack McCallum, Sports Illustrated
D: Mitch Albom, Detroit Free Press

Answers: 1- C; 2- D; 3- A



The Christies

Ant's Take: Seemingly everyone has that one friend who is whipped by his girlfriend beyond belief. Examples: he brings a bagged lunch whenever he hangs out; Can't do anything athletic because he's wearing his new slacks that Patricia bought him; Shouldn't have a drink because he's driving her new Corolla home and it's getting foggy out; Shouldn't stay out past 8 because Jody wants him to watch a movie on Lifetime, and the list goes on. Well "that guy" is Doug Christie in the NBA. Imagine how his teammates must rip on him? In this picture it appears that Jackie is tossing out a friendly wave, but in reality she's telling a Kings' cheerleader to keep her double-D's away from her man. At this point, Doug is the only guy in the league that has to have his seat on the bench pointed away from the dance team. Chwooo cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (sound of whip, how the hell would you spell it?)

Paul's Take: Hats off to Doug Christie-- probably the only NBA player who has never cheated on his wife. I mean why would he? It's not like Jackie is attractive, reasonable, friendly, non-obsessive, or sane. Seriously though, it's perfectly normal to not allow a female doctor to save your husband's life while he's choking to death on a chicken bone. It's also entirely reasonable to get the Sacramento Kings Manager of Media Relations fired because she once delivered a phone message to Doug. And forcing your husband to turn and face the corner any time a woman comes into an elevator with him? Fair game. Who am I kidding? Thumbs down to the NBA player who probably needs to cheat on his wife more than any other player.


Carlos Boozer's Chest Hair

Ant's Take: Boozer always gets shit for his bush of chest hair, but people need to remember that this guy is from ALASKA! When it's 32 below on July 20th in Juneau, you need to have a pound or two of hair on your chest. Shit, even the women in Alaska have chest hair. No it's not pretty, but it's a means of survival out there. Plus, I always liked it because it made Mike Dunleavy Jr. look like even more of a pussy when they stood next to one another at Duke (if that's possible).

Paul's Take: Shouldn't Boozer donate some of his chest hair to Nick Van Exel and B.J. Armstrong? They can at least pretend to have hit puberty. And by the way, how much you think Boozer's chest hair goes for on ebay? I'm guessing somewhere in the range of $1,000 to $1,500.


Chris Bosh's Neck

Ant's Take: There is now an age limit set in the NBA to prevent high schoolers from making the leap, yet half men/half giraffes are allowed? Seriously, is Bosh a human or one of the last Brontosauruses on the planet? If the kid keeps growing, they're going to have to invent the turtleneck jersey soon, yeesh.

Paul's Take: It's only a matter of time before the inevitable, "Toronto placed PF Chris Bosh on the injured list today due to a neck strain suffered from jerking his head too swiftly while dodging an errant shot to the face."


Shaq

Ant's Take: Since Paul stole most of my quotes, I'll just add a few to his list below...

Paul's Take: Like Charles Barkley, the 'Big Aristotle' needs no explanation. Enjoy these classic Shaq quotes.

--"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."

--"I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it's not how you start the date, it's how you finish the date."-- After dropping 30 points in a win over the Knicks on Saturday

--"Against (Shawn) Bradley, every time I'm trying to dunk, dunk, dunk."

--"I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak."

--"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

--"I think it's a great city . I think it's a fabulous city. But in my young juvenile days, I was an idiot and I bought 30 cars. And I need to drive those cars and New York isn't really the place you can do that."-- On why he never wants to play for the Knicks

--"I wouldn't. I would just go home. I'd fake an injury or something." (When asked how he would defend against himself)



Brian Cardinal and Ryan Bowen

Ant's Take: These are those guys that show up to the playground wearing jeans and hiking boots and a t-shirt with ketchup stains all over it, but absolutely dominate you in every facet of the game. Whether they're ripping down boards, chasing down loose balls, getting put-back lay-ups, etc. all of your friends are screaming at you all afternoon, "Dude, GUARD HIM!!!" And you respond with, "I'm trying man, but he's pretty good," and they come back with, "Dude, he's wearing JEANS!" Trust me, you hate to be that guy and that's why I absolutely can't stand Cardinal and Bowen.

Paul's Take: Might just be the goofiest guys in the NBA. For starters, they very well may take the cake for worst hair in the NBA. Cardinal has been clinging on to those last strands of fuzz on the top of his head since his freshman year at Purdue. As for Bowen, I wish I knew what the hell he was thinking. If you're going for the Ivan Drago look, at least give it your best shot. And how about their games? Actually, I'm a big Cardinal fan. Anyone with the nickname "The Janitor" is pretty badass in my book. But what's with those facial expressions? It wasn't hard to find one of these slow-motion-in-a-boxing-movie pictures of Cardinal-- he looks like this in every one. Bowen I think is a subject of attending the University of Iowa. What school has produced more awkward NBA players in recent years than Iowa? Acie Earl, Russ Millard, Bowen, J.R. Koch, Reggie Evans, and Jared Reiner. And that's not counting Ricky Davis and Pierre Pierce who are only socially awkward.

Part 1 from Friday

8 Comments:

At 6:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ah mark blount. 30 year old 7 footer puts up less than average numbers, which of course is a career year for him. Said player gets $40 million contract. Said player reverts into being a 3rd string center next season.

I'm just glad he didnt join the sixers.

 
At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Haha said...

Wahahahahahaaha. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH

 
At 11:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bosh's neck. I like that one, very original.

 
At 3:43 AM, Anonymous Herbie Z said...

Great article, guys. Very funny stuff. Not as good as Part 1, but still stellar. Couple comments--

1- You guys take shots at Blount, but I can think of FAR worse centers than him.

2- What about Avery Johnson? Have you ever heard him talk?

3- Pau Gasol running up and down the floor is pretty damn funny too. He's got a bit of fruitiness to him.

4- Richard Jefferson's voice is pretty funny too. Gay if you ask me.

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger Dave said...

That chicken bone article was satire, by the way.

Funny though.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Herbie,
We thought about Avery Johnson, trust me. But we wanted to get that Cedric the Entertainer bit from the end of Kings of Comedy and couldn't find it anywhere. Once we couldn't find it, we gave up on Avary Jawnson. We're quitters, okay? You happy?

 
At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey just stopping by to say I like the blog.

I don't know if your also into Jujitsu but I got sites and Squidoo lenses on Jujitsu if your intested:

Jujitsu
Jujitsu For Women
Japanese Jujitsu
Jujitsu Philosophy

Hope you like them and I will come by again!

 
At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is THE funniest sports humor list ive ever read.. I agree with every word especially with Delonte West!! Ur right, he does have a freaky eye!! HAHAHAHA

 

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