Friday, August 19, 2005

The NBA Translation Guide

Now that is a monster dunk!

By Paul Benedict

Last Friday night I was stuck watching the Liberty/Sting game (don't ask why) when the Liberty play-by-play man Mike Crispino (a guy I'm a huge fan of simply because he was a member at the golf course I used to work at) made this comment after Charlotte's Tammi Sutton-Brown went down with an ankle injury late in the 2nd half: "And this will be a huge loss for Charlotte. Sutton-Brown having a MONSTER game-- 13 points!" What?! Now there's two reasons why this statement is just completely wrong: 1- The fact that the word 'monster' even crossed Crispino's mind just tells you how pathetic the WNBA is. 2- You can't just use the word 'monster' loosely, and it bothers me when announcers simply toss out sacred adjectives like these. I mean when you're going to bust out, 'MONSTER', a player should have like 29 and 10 midway through the 3rd; 14 of his 39 in the 4th quarter; a triple double with a couple highlight-reel dunks to boot. I'm tired of these shenanigans, it's about time someone set rules on all this stuff. So with that, here's a little guide...

"He had a nice game." - 17 Pts, 6 Rebs, 3 Asts, 2 Stls, 1 Blk

"He had a big game." - 24 pts, 9 Rebs, 2 clutch shots down the stretch.

"He had a huge game!" - 31 pts, 10 Rebs, 4 Blks

"He had a monster game!" - 37 Pts, 9 Rebs, 5 Asts, 3 Stls

"He had a RIDICULOUS game!" - KG-like 28 Pts, 19 Rebs, 8 Asts, 2 Stls, 5 Blks

"Uh...did you see what he did tonight?!" - 15 pts, 22 Rebs, 2 Stls, 7 Blks

"He played alright." - 12 Pts, 5 Rebs, 2 Asts, 1 Stl

"He kind of disappeared tonight." - 37 Mins, 9 Pts, 3-8 FGs, 5 Rebs, 3 Asts

"He didn't come to play tonight." - 8 Pts, 2-12 FGs, 3 Rebs, 5 TOs

"He was awful tonight!" - 10 Pts, 4-22 FGs, 1-10 3PTs, 7 TOs

"Ugh...he had a Mark Blount-like game!" - 34 Mins, 6 Pts, 2-9 FGs, 0 Rebs, 0 Blks, 5 Fouls

"That was a nice pass." - Bounce pass to a cutter through the lane for a lay-up.

"That was a sweet pass." - Behind-the-back pass on a fastbreak for a dunk.

"Damn...that was a sick pass!" - No-look pass to set up a power dunk.

"Whoa! Did you see that motherfuckin' pass?!" - Jason Williams elbow pass in the 1999 Rookie Game.

"And the dunk by..." - A generic two-hander on a breakaway.

"And he throws it down!" - Overhead slam off a sweet pass.

"And an electrifying dunk by..." - Vince Carter windmill on a fastbreak.

"And a THUNDEROUS jam by..." - Shaq's patented rip the ball off the ground, knock 3 defenders over followed by a power dunk.

"Holy shit! That was fuckin' ridiculous!" - Josh Smith posterization while taking off from the free throw line.

"A nice block by..." - Erick Dampier simple block of a Mark Madsen lay-up.

"What a swat!" - Andrei Kirilenko weak-side block that goes out of bounds.

"Get out and LIKE it!" - HUGE Ben Wallace swat of Steve Blake floater (this actually happened-- you have GOT to see it)

"There's a scary look in Ron Artest's eyes right now." - A scary look in Ron Artest's eyes.

"Ron Artest is going into the stands!" - Ron Artest is going into the stands to beat the crap out of a fan.

"That guy stinks." - Mike Wilks

"That guy sucks." - Bruno Sundov

"That guy absolutely blows." - Maciej Lampe

"That guy is so fucking HORRIBLE!" - DeSagana Diop

"That guy can play." - Marquis Daniels

"That guy is nice." - Shaun Livingston

"That guy is a stud." - Jason Richardson

"That guy is sick!" - Baron Davis

"That guy is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!" - Kevin Garnett

"That girl is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!" - 7'2" Margo 'Large Marge' Dydek


At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

bahahahahaha. this is one of the best reads i've read on here in a while.....

- #1 CLippers Fan

At 1:25 PM, Blogger YaoButtaMing said...

Sitting here having a horrible week at the office ... but it was all worth it to wake up, drive to work, make some calls, and open this blog up Friday morning to read this. Thanks guys for making my week!

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Very nice.

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Tobey said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Tobey said...

I can't stand Bill Walton (Mr. Superfluous himself) for the exact reason you wrote this post.

Talk about using a ridiculous amount of redundant adjectives...

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Tkel said...

How about, "He got paid HOW MUCH?!?!?!" Any fan, after reading the ESPNews scroll informing fans of any Isiah Thomas or Chris Mullin FA signing.


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