Monday, October 10, 2005

30 Reasons to Get Fired Up For the 2005-06 NBA Season - #3

The Battle for Eastern Supremacy

I’m not going to lie, this has been one of the more brutal months of my life. Writing a “short” piece on the NBA every other day for 30 days is more difficult than you think. But today is the kicker. I’ve fallen behind so now I have to squeeze in two pieces instead of one with just under an hour and a half to do so. Yeah, I’m screwed. I would have had more time, but as you may know I’m an accountant and October 10th is not a good day to be an accountant. The fiscal year just ended and I feel like Houston right before she shot her “Houston: 500” movie. Actually no I don’t because that’s weird. Anyways, instead of blabbing on, let me dive into #3 before the Yankees-Angels game starts.

As we all know, the race for the 2005-06 Eastern Conference crown is going to be extremely exciting. Now I can spend roughly 89 of the 90 minutes I have breaking down the top three or four contenders and why they should be considered the favorites. But, that would leave me only one minute to talk about San Antone and that’s not fair. So here goes, a crazy line of “what ifs” that need to happen in order for each team to be crowned champs.

Atlanta Hawks
IF Joe Johnson can average 27, 9, and 7
IF Marvin Williams can double the production of Dwight Howard a year ago
IF Tyronn Lue transforms from Fieval into a legit point guard
IF Josh Smith does anything else besides dunk
IF Josh Childress can eat a meal
IF Salim Stoudamire grows 4 inches
IF Zaza Pachulia becomes an All-Star center and ditches the name Zaza
IF Esteban Batista can successfully promote “Cocaina Night”
IF Mike Woodson doesn’t kill himself

…Then the Hawks will win the East

Boston Celtics
IF Paul Pierce can keep his jersey on
IF Gerald Green re-grows his ring finger
IF Delonte West and Dan Dickau don’t hook up
IF Al Jefferson can play defense once a game
IF Kendrick Perkins doesn’t kill anyone
IF Mark Blount can obtain a working set a fingers
IF Marcus Banks can play under control
IF Raef LaFrentz isn’t bothered by his knees

…Then the Celtics will win the East

Charlotte Bobcats
IF Raymond Felton and Sean May put up identical numbers from UNC
IF Gerald Wallace stays healthy and can put up 17, 8, and 4
IF Primoz Brezec builds on his solid 04-05 campaign
IF D’or Fischer changes his name to anything else
IF Matt Carroll never misses a 3
IF Jake Voskuhl kills himself
IF Emeka Okafor wins MVP

…Then the Bobcats will win the East

Chicago Bulls
IF Tyson Chandler emerges into a 17, 13, and 3 blocks center
IF Ben Gordon plays like he does in the 4th all game
IF Kirk Hinrich keeps pulling dope seasons out of his ass
IF Tim Thomas and Jermaine Jackson drown themselves
IF Mike Sweetney can stop eating
IF Jermaine Jackson can perform like he did with Michael and Tito
IF Chris Duhon and Luol Deng play like they did at Duke
IF Scott Skiles grows hair

…Then the Bulls will win the East

Cleveland Cavaliers
IF Drew Gooden stops doing drugs
IF Martynas Andriuskevicius, Kelenna Azubuike, and Mengke Bateer get normal names
IF Jahidi White and Obinna Ekezie don’t eat half the roster
IF Zydrunas Ilgauskas gets the cement out of his kicks
IF Luke Jackson can play more than 1 game
IF Damon Jones gets braces
IF LeBron plays like we hope

…Then the Cavs will win the East

Detroit Pistons
IF Dale Davis can stay alive
IF Darko can play through his bench sores
IF Rasheed can get that white patch out of his ‘fro
IF Andreas’ Glyniadakis doesn’t spread
IF Richard Hamilton’s face stays together
IF Ben Wallace stops doing biceps curls
IF Jason Maxiell becomes Big Ben Jr.
IF Chauncey continues to be the most clutch player in the league
IF Flip Saunders can ignore the Larry Brown comparisons

…Then the Pistons will take the East

Indiana Pacers
IF Ron Artest sells enough CDs
IF Jermaine O’Neal doesn’t throw another left
IF Stephen Jackson goes to prison where he belongs
IF Jamaal Tinsley can just sit down between games
IF Sarunas plays like he did in Europe
IF David Harrison and Fred Jones continue to develop
IF Danny Granger lives up to the hype
IF Rick Carlisle smiles

…Then the Pacers will win the East

Miami Heat
IF Stan Van Gundy performs like he did in Sins of the Wealthy Part 3
IF Gary Payton gets injured soon
IF Jason Williams wakes the fuck up
IF Antoine Walker finds the ability to take less than 15 shots per game
IF Udonis Haslem doesn’t shit the bed with Toine pushing him
IF Michael Doleac gets a sun tan
IF Alonzo’s kidneys stay pumping (sorry)
IF Jason Kapono doesn’t shoot, ever
IF Earl Barron played like he did this summer
IF Shaq plays like Shaq

…Then the Heat will win the East

Milwaukee Bucks
IF Michael Redd can become a superstar
IF TJ Ford doesn’t land on his head
IF Mo Williams shaves his shoulder hair
IF Toni Kukoc can be offed
IF Jiri Welsch can be offed
IF Bobby Simmons can continue his emergence
IF Ervin Johnson wears a bag over his head
IF Andrew Bogut plays anything like he did at Utah
IF Desmond Mason doesn’t bitch about a lack of PT
IF Terry Stotts can coach a lot better than we expect him to

…Then the Bucks will win the East

New Jersey Nets
IF Jason Kidd regains his early-00s form
IF Vince Carter can perform in a game that means something
IF Richard Jefferson can admit he’s white
IF Adam Chubb starts every game
IF no one looks directly at Ben Handlogten
IF Clifford Robinson can put down the bong
IF Antoine Wright can shoot over 20%
IF Nenad doesn’t miss ¾ of the season
IF Lawrence Frank can eclipse the 5' 4" mark

…Then the Nets will win the East

New York Knicks
IF Larry Brown can stay away from hip surgery
IF Marbury or Crawford get traded
IF Nate the Great can be the spark they desperately need
IF Eddy Curry is healthy
IF Quentin Richardson does NOT make any collabos with Brandy
IF Jerome James play like half the man we saw in the ’05 Playoffs
IF Channing Frye doesn’t choke
IF Mo Taylor or Malik Rose can be counted on at the 4
IF Walt Frazier stops learning new words
IF Mike Crispino bangs Deb Kaufman
IF Isiah makes two decent trades

…Then the Knicks will win the East

Orlando Magic
IF Dwight Howard gets his braces off and averages 20 and 12
IF Steve Francis becomes a playmaker again
IF Stacey Augmon gets out of a wheel chair
IF Kelvin Cato can play with a mean streak all year
IF Jameer Nelson can play like he did at Hawk Hill
IF Grant Hill can give it his all for 82 games
IF Bo Outlaw doesn’t rot away
IF Hedo Turkoglu can play like Peja
IF Pat Garrity and Travis Diener don’t become a couple
IF DeShawn Stevenson is released immediately

…Then the Magic will win the East

Philadelphia 76ers
IF Allen Iverson can win one more MVP
IF Chris Webber can play on a healthy knee
IF Andre Iguodala doesn’t shatter his arm dunking
IF Samuel Dalembert develops an inside game
IF Kyle Korver’s penis doesn’t fall off
IF Lee Nailon can play consistently
IF Shavlik Randolph stops thinking he’s good at basketball
IF Willie Green and Steven Hunter can be counted on off the bench
IF Mo Cheeks doesn’t become the latest coaching casuality

…Then the Sixers will win the East

Toronto Raptors
IF Rafael Araujo can open his eyes
IF Matt Bonner dyes his hair
IF Chris Bosh admits he’s part giraffe
IF Jose Calderon doesn’t get busted for cocaine
IF Joey Graham can play like he did at the Chicago combine
IF Mike James can stay healthy at the point
IF Robert Pack stops resisting retirement
IF Mo Pete can play more than one good game in a row
IF Jalen Rose and his monster salary get dealt
IF Pape Sow wins 6th man of the Year
IF Pape Sow admits he’s my father
IF Charlie Villanueva begins to grow hair
IF Aaron Williams decides if he’s white or black
IF Eric Williams gets his horse teeth filed down
IF Rob Babcock goes bungee jumping without a bungee

…Then the Raptors will win the East

Washington Wizards
IF Gilbert Arenas learns how to pass
IF Etan Thomas gets a haircut
IF Andray Blatche stays home
IF Caron Butler can live up to his UConn hype
IF Jarvis Hayes can give Butler a run for the 3 slot
IF Antawn Jamison can build off his first season in DC
IF Calvin Booth and Michael Ruffin don't scare all the fans away

...Then the Wizards will win the East

Got any others? Feel free to share them…#2 up within the next few hours, #1 right after that. Enjoy

Note: Yes, I originally forgot the Wizards and put the Hornets in the East. Now do you believe how swamped I am?


At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are the Wizards not in the East anymore? What am I missing here?

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Creek! said...

Might as well homer it up and throw in some more Sixers ones:

IF Andre Iguodala fixes his underbite.

IF Lee Nailon sells his stock in Baskin Robbins.

IF I can sell my pilot to ABC about Samuel Dalembert and Kyle Korver living together and solving crimes in south Philly.

IF Michael Bradley remembers he doesn't know how to play basketball.

IF Allen Iverson says "fuck off" to Stern a minimum of 5 times to anytime he enforces the dress code.

IF the Eagles win the super bowl (Hey, it would help, wouldn't it!?!?!?).

The 76ers will win the East

At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must say I loved this article, it was one of the funniest basketball related articles I have ever read, keep them coming, great job.

At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Worst. Post. Ever.

You probably would have been better off missing a day if youre that busy.

At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you guys are hilarious

At 5:42 AM, Blogger Pete said...

nice post, very funny

the addition of ben handlogten might make the nets the ugliest team in the east (kidd, zoran, mcinnis, rj, and so on).

At 8:52 AM, Blogger BBallBlog said...

Is "anonymous" bi-polar or something?

"Are the Wizards not in the East anymore? What am I missing here?"

"Worst. Post. Ever.

You probably would have been better off missing a day if youre that busy."

"you guys are hilarious"


At 10:01 AM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Haha, I don't think that's the same person. You can choose to remain anonymous and I think that's the case with over half our readers. Thanks for the love, and the hate.

At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

oh boy, thats funny. I laughed at almost every sentance. Nice!

At 6:23 PM, Blogger BBallBlog said...


Yeah, I realized that. I think remaining "anonymous" is a cop out. If I'm going to voice my opinion about something, I'm going to attach something you can identify me by, whether it's BBallblog or Jeremy. :)

At 9:31 AM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Jeremy, as you should...I love those people who rip on us yet don't even have the nerve to let us know who they are. Thanks for reading

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Samone said...

"IF Dale Davis can stay alive"
I spit out my Pepsi at that one. Great post.


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