Part IIPart III
We're fed up and extremely embarrassed. Here we are, supposedly NBA "experts", and we can't even hit 40% of our picks. That's not to say we're going to stop making picks, but we are going to stray away from the daily basketball discussion for a couple days. It's time to let loose a little and release some of this rage that's been building up inside us since the Playoffs started. So with that, we decided to write a joint article on a topic that sportswriters love to talk about, but don't have the liberty or the cajones to write about-- the players' bitc-- uhh... significant others. We're going to focus on the famous
female counterparts, the ones that everyone knows about and loves to scrutinize, without holding anything back. Sexist? Chauvinistic? Tasteless? Oh yes, but right now we don't give a damn about anything.
Paul's Take: I've never been a fan of Brandy, not since Kobe took her to his prom, not since she played Moesha on the WB. The whole "Finding Nemo" fish-look she's got going doesn't work for me, plus her music blows save a couple of songs. Then again, Q couldn't even annunciate Brandy's lyrics if he tried to, so I don't know what the hell to make of this couple.
Ant's Take: Any woman (especially a celeb) who has no problem with her man wearing a baseball hat with a designer suit has to be off her rocker. And when's the last time she came out with a CD, 1994? "Everybody knows, almost doesn't count" are lyrics that will ring true to her beau Q and his Suns this postseason.
Vanessa BryantPaul's Take:
It's amazing-- Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, two careers that have so closely mirrored one another thus far: titles, awards, scandals, and ugly ass white chicks that they cheated on their wives for
. Kobe, what the hell were you thinking?! Vanessa is Grade A meat brotha. You don't buy 80% lean when someone is offering you 100%! Dddddddddamn!Ant's Take:
Hands down the hottest wife in the biz. Hey Kobe, who would you rather spend your off-seasons with drinking a pina colada on the sands of Guatanamo Bay? A 19 year-old white chick who has soap scum underneath her finger nails or Vanessa freakin' Bryant? How on Earth Nessa took you back is beyond me...oh yeah maybe it has something to do with the $Zillion you have. If you think she's being loyal to you and not knockin' boots with some dancer from an Usher video, you're about as crazy as, well, you.
Paul's Take: Jackie Christie is relatively attractive, though nothing to brag about. She's also completely and utterly insane. We've all known chicks like that, probably hooked up with a few, possibly even dated one, but by no means do you ever marry that girl. I mean Doug, the moment she tells you to turn to face the corner when a female walks on to the elevator, that's when it's time to reevaulte your relationship and where your life is headed.
Ant's Take: What the hell is she wearing here, pajamas? Who takes a modeling photo after they wake up in the morning? And to add to what Paul said, remember this is the same lady who went after the 6'8" Rick Fox after he and her husband got into it on the court. Imagine how she must respond when Doug leaves the toaster plugged in? Yeeeesh. But all-in-all not a bad catch for the bald, ugly and deteriorating Magic guard.
Paul's Take: Classy, elegant, and a total knockout. Anyone who saw Tamia and Grant interviewed by John Thompson on TNT right before Christmas knows exactly what I'm talking about. Aside from a voice that makes Brandy's seem like Avery Johnson's, Tamia also bears a striking girl-next-door personality-- the one that is a delight to bring home to your mother...and pleasure to the imagination.
Ant's Take: I first saw Tamia when she sang the National Anthem at the All-Star Game and was absolutely blown away. The whole freckles on the mahogany skin look is few and far between and I'd just like to be ya know, in between. Look at her, she's an angel and I'm sure she is as beautiful on the inside as she appears to the public eye. Nice life Grant, a father who went to Yale, starred in the NFL, a Duke education, an NBA salary and now this. What am I doing wrong? Oh yeah I'm not 6'7" and I'm white. DAMMMMIT!!
Paul's Take: I'm a tad concerned about a woman that can hatch out a kid with a head the size of a beach ball. Nevertheless, Joumana is still a stunning beauty with a smoking hot body. Yes, she might come off as a bit annoying, but that's why they invented mute buttons.
Ant's Take: (Apparently Paul has a thing for Jason since he had to include him in the picture of Joumana). So, let me get this straight, if you beat your wife but then blow kisses to her every time you attempt a FT, everything becomes okay? I mean look at Joumana, and not to mention her rock hard body, she deserves a Grant Hill type of guy, not a loser like J-Kidd. Although he was kind enough to provide her with fake breasts and as a result made millions of perverted men very happy. Thanks J!
Paul's Take: Supposedly this chick works the post for more than just the Chinese National Team-- she's also Yao Ming's girl. She obviously loses points for playing professional women's basketball, but I have to say, she's not that bad. Yao courted the 6'3" Ye for 2 years in China before she finally agreed to go out with him. So that's where all of Yao's aggressiveness has gone.
Ant's Take: The fact that Paul said Ye wasn't that bad looking merits it's own article, but instead I'll make this brief. First of all her name is Ye which means everytime Yao gives an affirmative response in english she thinks he's calling her name. Second of all Yao is a multi-millionaire and he "courted" this chick for two years? There wasn't a hotter money-grubbing Chinese girl he could have locked up with? The one thing that's cool though is it takes her like 0.3 seconds to sign autographs. I'm gonna change my name to An Pe.
Eva LongoriaPaul's Take:
In the words of the illustrious Frank Dreben, "She's got the kind of legs that you could suck on for a week." I don't know how the hell Tony Parker pulled this off considering his last girlfriend
was a complete nightmare, but A-MEN Tony! Of course, there's a downside to every smoking hot chick, so I suppose Eva's rumored promiscuous ways take away at least just a little bit. Yeah, right. Check out some more pics
and then you be the judge.Ant's Take:
Yes, I have watched Desperate Housewives and if you're a male and say you haven't, well give me a break. Eva has placed herself in a new wave of smoking hot brunettes with the likes of Brooke Burke, Bridget Monohan, Vida, Ali Landry, etc. Which leads me to this question. Do any of you really think Tony Parker knows how to handle a woman who is set in the position above? This is a different kind of feeding the post Park, you'll probably be dumped right after your Spurs are.
Paul's Take: KG's wife Brandi, the sister-in-law of esteemed music producer Jimmy Jam, sits courtside at every T'Wolves home game. To Brandi's credit, this is not a very good photo of her. She's actually pretty dope and from what I could perceive in an interview with her earlier this year, she has some personality, some "pizazz" if you will, to her as well. Besides, would you ever doubt anything about KG? He could bring home Missy Elliot and you'd still be happy for the guy.
Ant's Take: Wow KG, way to score the female version of Chris Rock. Na, I'm just playin, but seriously, you're the former MVP of the NBA, a good looking black man, a millionaire and you settle for this chick? Mr. 20-10-5, well you got yourself a 5, let's get it together Kev.
Tina ThompsonPaul's Take:
Unless you're Diana Taurasi and capable of bringing the same magic to the sack as you do to the court (the no-look *******; the behind-the-back ******), you lose significant points for being a WNBA player. Now I hate to be the one to break the ice, but let's be serious-- Damon Jones, now a hot shot in the NBA's new hot spot, is probably kicking himself for slipping one by Thompson's goalie 8 months ago. Instead of tan, exotic, voluptuous South Beach beauties, he's stuck with a WNBA superstar that could swallow him. Yikes.Ant's Take:
I'm not even sure where to begin here. I'll try and come up with an analogy. For Damon Jones this would be like scoring say, a 710 on your first round of the SATs, applying to Southwest Mississippi A & T, getting in and immediately signing a binding agreement to attend in the fall. Then on your next round, you jump to 1520 and when Harvard and Yale come a calling, you're already stuck at some crappy no-name school. Well, being a life-long backup, I could see why Damon and his horse teeth jumped at the first lady that came calling. But, now he's a starter on a team that may in fact win it all and waiting in his bed for some post Title-nooky? Yup, Tina Thompson, aka Southwest Mississippi A & T.
La La Vasquez
Paul's Take: You would think a rising star like 'Melo, who entered the league with more momentum than Danny Fortson falling down an elevator shaft, could do a little better than La La. Yeah, she's on MTV, but she's just really not that attractive. La La does rock a fat ass and juicy lips, so she's got that going for her, which is nice. But I just don't know about a chick that demands a towel over her face during all intimate moments.
Ant's Take: Yeah La La, you better hold onto this guy for dear life. And for the love of God please wear those glasses at all times so I don't have to see your Stuart Scott eye ever again. Honestly, if Paul and I wouldn't touch this chick, why would one of the most highly-touted NBA youngsters? Maybe she really connects with Carmelo and is sensitive to his feelings and yearnings. Yeah, like any of that matter when your 20 and in the NBA.