Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Eastern Conference IFs

Yo Sheed, shudddddddddddup for once

Let’s face it, almost every team in the NBA this season has shown flashes of brilliance at one point or another. So it got me thinking, what if each club did a little bit more of this and a little less of that? What exactly would it take for each squad to go all the way and win its respective conference? Here's a list of IFs that may (or may not) help propel these 15 teams into the Finals...

1. Detroit Pistons
IF they stop losing OT games at home to the hapless Wizards and Jazz,
IF Rasheed Wallace doesn’t break his own technical foul mark (he already has 9),
IF we just all forget that Darko ever existed,
IF Tayshaun Prince stops dieting with Kate Moss, and
IF Dale Davis doesn’t die…

…then the Pistons will win the East

2. New Jersey Nets
IF Vince Carter plays like an elite player every night,
IF Jason Kidd’s knee ligaments prove stronger than yarn,
IF the team re-signs Adam Chubb,
IF management makes a trade for a solid big man, and
IF Cliff Robinson stays out of Trenton…

…then the Nets will win the East

3. Miami Heat
IF Pat Riley’s forehead stays taut,
IF Stan Van Gundy doesn’t reveal Shaq’s porn career,
IF Dwyane Wade stops wearing Converse,
IF Michael Doleac doesn’t clothesline anyone with his ears, and
IF Gary Payton gets larynx cancer…

…then the Heat will win the East

4. Cleveland Cavaliers
IF LeBron stops thinking he’s Eddie Murphy,
IF Ira Newble admits he was part of the original N.W.A.,
IF Larry Hughes doesn’t kill anymore fantasy teams,
IF Big Z stops aging quicker than those twins from Big Daddy, and
IF Damon Jones can make more than 1 shot per night…

…then the Cavs will win the East

5. Indiana Pacers
IF Donnie Walsh and Larry Bird stop playing Jenga and trade Artest already,
IF Danny Granger continues to get big minutes,
IF Sarunas Jasikevicius stops being so ugly,
IF Scot Pollard can act normal, and
IF Jamaal Tinsley and Jonathan Bender morph their usable limbs together,

…then the Pacers will win the East

6. Milwaukee Bucks
IF Andrew Bogut continues to develop,
IF TJ Ford stops playing like a maniac,
IF Mo Williams shaves his shoulder hair,
IF Bobby Simmons stops proving to be a one-year wonder, and
IF Jiri Welsch stops thinking he’s good at basketball…

…then the Bucks will win the East

7. Philadelphia 76ers
IF Chris Webber goes to a chiropractor,
IF another guard can step up so Allen Iverson can maybe rest a little,
IF Dalembert has more games with 22 boards than 4, and
IF Billy King trades for someone so I can make a better joke here,

…then the Sixers will win the East

8. Chicago Bulls
IF Scott Skiles stops having to start Othella the big fella,
IF they can actually pull off that Gordon for Jefferson and Banks deal…
IF Gordon turns back into Mr. 4th Quarter,
IF Luol Deng takes this team on his back, and
IF Randy Holcomb stays on the bench where he belongs…

…then the Bulls still won’t win the East

9. Orlando Magic
IF Jameer Nelson stays in the starting 5,
IF Kelvin Cato can play in more than 0 games,
IF Grant Hill can get one ounce of good karma in his body,
IF Steve Francis stops pretending he has vertigo, and
IF Brian Hill finally stars in a Just For Men commercial…

…then the Magic still won’t win the East

10. Washington Wizards
IF Gilbert Arenas takes every shot for this team…
IF Chucky Atkins and Antonio Daniels kill themselves,
IF Jared Jeffries manages to rid himself of the “worst NBA starter” label
IF Calvin Booth stops scaring the life out of kids, and
IF Eddie Jordan doesn’t jump off the Capital building…

…then the Wizards still won’t win the East

11. Boston Celtics
IF Al Jefferson finds a pair of ankle socks,
IF Delonte West can manage to curl 15 lbs.,
IF Paul Pierce stops hinting at trade requests,
IF Brian Scalabrine vanishes from planet Earth, and
IF Ainge can move Blount and/or LaFrentz…

…then the Celtics still won’t win the East

12. New York Knicks
IF David Lee remains a starter (like I mentioned weeks ago),
IF Eddy Curry stops reading Reggie Lewis’ biography (sorry),
IF NY can keep Isiah in that same drawer as Adrian Brody in The Jacket
IF Quentin Richardson admits he’s dating Laura from Family Matters, and
IF Larry Brown can keep this sense of humor: “I told them we're bowl-eligible. We've got 7 wins."…

…then the Knicks still won’t win the East

13. Toronto Raptors
IF Mikes James keeps playing like Dwyane Wade,
IF Villanueva stops saying things like him and Bosh are a younger version of Tim Duncan and David Robinson,
IF Matt Bonner doesn’t get made fun of anymore,
IF Darrick Martin learns how to spell his own name right, and
IF Mo Pete keeps his slapping to a minimum…

…then the Raptors still won’t win the East

14. Charlotte Bobcats
IF Kevin Burleson plays better than his brother Nate,
IF Brevin Knight doesn’t get any darker,
IF Keith Bogans, Bernard Robinson Jr., and Melvin Ely just start an R&B band already,
IF they all learn that personal fouls are BAD, and
IF some besides Emeka Okafor can rebound the damn ball…

…then the Bobcats still won’t win the East

15. Atlanta Hawks
IF Mike Woodson stops starting Royal Ivey and playing him for 9 minutes every night,
IF Esteban Batista becomes a little less shady,
IF they can play the Celtics every night,
IF Al Harrington stops looking exactly like the guy on Celebrity Fit Club, and
IF they can start transforming athleticism in W’s…

…then the Hawks will still have the worst record in the NBA

Back with the West on Thursday…


At 10:09 PM, Blogger Will Shu said...

hey ant i need some help with my fantasy team. so far i have-
t. ford
j. kidd
r. bell
r. hamilton
j. calderon
b. diaw
.d. nowitzki
p. gasol
z. pachulia
e. okafor
e. curry
c. paul
l. hughes
d. williams
s. jasikevicius
r. lewis
d. diop
l. odom
c. boozer

i really need to cut down on turnovers and get better FT%, 3pt %, and FG%. everything else is fine. who should i move around or who should i drop. btw i only have diop because he doesnt really do stuff offensively so he doesnt screw up my %s anymore while giving me blocks

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Will Shu said...

oh yeah and should i keep waiting on boozer or ship him off in a package deal?

At 10:19 PM, Anonymous ET said...

Stuff I want to add...

1. Detroit Pistons
IF Ben Wallace keeps his big red goggles...
IF Chauncey Billups or Rip Hamilton get snubbed for the all-star game again...

2. New Jersey Nets
IF Marc Jackson can jump more than an inch off the ground ...
IF Vince Carter keeps slapping his buddies on opposing teams.

3. Miami Heat
IF Antoine Walker forgets how to shimmy...

4. Cleveland Cavaliers
IF Eric Snow manages to knock down a jump shot every now and then...

5. Indiana Pacers
IF Reggie Miller comes out of retirement and goes vintage ...

6. Milwaukee Bucks
IF Jamaal Magloire reverts to all-star form...

7. Philadelphia 76ers
IF Maurice Cheeks can get a Sixer not named Andre Iguodala to play defense...
IF Steven Hunter learns how to box out ...

8. Chicago Bulls
IF Tyson Chandler is traded for Eddy Curry ...
IF Kirk Hinrich has more 25 pt games than 5 pt ones ...


Oh, and dude, lose Boozer already. Screwing over an old blind man will come back to haunt you, every time.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Hey Will, glad to help with your fantasy dilemas. First of all Boozer. If you've held onto him for this long, why not wait a few more weeks? The only reason I say that is because the Jazz are hard pressed for frontcourt help. Hell, they start Jarron Collins and give Greg Ostertag double-digit run. I wouldn't be surprised at all to see Boozer starting immediately. As far as him staying healthy, well that's another concern.

As far as improving your shooting, I think it's always best to get rid of the younger guys (or in Jasikevicius' case, the inexperienced). That said, I think Calderon has hit the rookie wall, and you may want to think about getting rid of Sarunas and Deron Williams. Try and obtain a guy like Delonte West who actually leads the entire NBA in FG% over the last month. You need to try and find a match with another team. If someone needs assists or 3's, then try and unload Calderon or Sarunas on him. Obviously you may have to throw in one of your big guns, but it may be worth it in the end. Let me know where you sit in the standings and feel free to run by any trades with me before you go through with them. Good luck.

PS-If you guys would like to get more fantasy questions answered, send me an email at the link above or at APeretore@gmail.com


At 12:16 AM, Blogger Rex Meneses said...


nice blog site you got here. I love fantasy nba too. I am playing ESPN and Yahoo fantasy nba.

Hey, is there a way i can exchange links with you.

my blog site is



well they're kinda new but I will continue to update them.

thanks a lot.


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