Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Funniest Things in the NBA

Okay everyone, I am finally back from my vacation and ready to roll out some signature articles. To be honest with you, I had no idea what the plan was going to be until around 12 AM this morning. I decided that the best thing to do is keep a steady rotation so the fans can know what to expect. So here we go...

Mondays -- Triple Threat: a look around the league at various things piquing my interest (as well as at least one look-alike)

Tuesdays -- Funniest Things in the NBA: a continuation of a two-part series Paul and I presented a few months back...Part 1 and Part 2

Wednesdays -- Western Conference break-down of some sort

Thursdays -- Eastern Conference break-down of some sort

Fridays -- Fantasy Top-10s, e.g. player rankings, buys, sells, holds, or something funny

Obviously, there will be some days when I won't get to put anything up. If that's the case, then you can be sure it will not be skipped the following week. Any suggestions are welcomed. Enjoy today's piece...

Theme: Coaches’ hair

1) Mike Dunleavy

Has any human lost his hair quicker than Dunleavy? Seriously, how much of Drano’s revenue over the last 10 years can be attributed to the Clippers’ coach? At this point, it’s honestly hard to even look this guy in the face when he’s coaching. Sometimes I can actually see the individual hairs up-rooting and falling onto Yaroslav Korolev’s warm-ups. My God Mike, give Sy Sperling a call already.

2) Pat Riley

If Dunleavy has single-handedly kept Drano on the shelves for all these years, then Riles has certainly kept hair wax around (or whatever the hell that stuff is). A few questions I've always had are, 1) Was Rick Pitino’s hairstyle inspired by Riley, and if so, 2) do they use the same product? And while we’re at it, 3) why don’t we see Riles and Pitino in commercials for this formula? Wouldn’t men with this slicked back/Italian stallion/Face Lift-hairstyle ALL use that product? Is this company on acid?

3) Mike Fratello

Do you think Fratello watches That 70’s Show? Remember when Donna spontaneously dyed her hair blonde and everyone loved it? Well I think Fratello decided to do the same, except he failed to realize that he’s not, A) a chick, B) the owner of breasts, and C) a guest star on Nip/Tuck. I know people hate to admit that they’re aging and it’s time to start turning gray, but in this case Mike, just face the facts. Remember that Lou Piniella went blonde because he lost a bet, not because he chose to.

4) George Karl

Why do some men think that if they are balding on top, they can make up for it on the sides? Just because you have overcompensated for your loss doesn’t take away from the fact that you’re bald. I mean, George Constanza never did this, did he? Which reminds me of that episode when he got the wig and walked into the coffee shop and sat down with that smoking-hot chick. Why didn’t he keep that thing? And when is someone famous going to make it okay to wear a wig? Balding middle-aged men across the world desperately need you.

5) Jerry Sloan

It’s not that Sloan’s hair is really all that funny, I just don’t think it’s ever moved. Is it even hair? Is it a helmet of chinchilla fur? How does he get that part on the side so perfect? And how come no one has informed him that parts are no longer in style? Just so you know, carrying around that 13-cent comb in your back pocket and fixing your part on lunch breaks is not something single women these days desire in a man. In fact, it’s right up there with back hair and wearing socks with sandals. If you’re writing this down, kill yourself.


At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Chris said...

That's gold, Jerry...GOLD!

At 4:31 PM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Um, thanks. I think


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