Thursday, January 12, 2006

Western Conference IFs

No surprise that 3 of Golden State's IFs revolve around this guy




1. SAN ANTONIO SPURS
IF Manu Ginobili agrees to release the Perfect Strangers DVD set,
IF RC Buford can obtain Kara Wolters to play over Rasho and Nazr
IF Robert Horry still has a few big shots left in the tank
IF Gregg Popovich gets rid of that useless extra ‘g’, and
IF Timmay stops relying on Finley and Van Exel and starts dominating again…

…then the Spurs will win the West


2. PHOENIX SUNS
IF Amare really does come back this year (I’m skeptical),
IF Pat Burke gets a sun tan,
IF Leandro Barbosa can stay healthy for a minute or two,
IF Boris Diaw decides how to pronounce his last name, and
IF Steve Nash gets a March crew cut with Dirk…

…then the Suns will win the West


3. UTAH JAZZ
IF Andrei Kirilenko stops eating just barley,
IF Jerry Sloan stops letting R&B legend Keith McLeod steal minutes from Deron,
IF they exceed the understood maximum of 6 white players per team,
IF Greg Ostertag changes his first name to Sloth, and
IF Carlos Boozer cornrows his chest hair…

…then the Jazz will win the West


4. DALLAS MAVERICKS
IF Josh Howard gets those adult braces again,
IF Marquis Daniels gives up on getting Onyx back together,
IF Jason Terry lays off the ‘roids,
IF Keith Van Horn ditches the little kid haircut, and
IF Dirk starts developing an Avery Johnson accent…

…then the Mavs will win the West


5. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
IF Pau Gasol gets his ‘L’ back from Pat Sajak,
IF Jerry West obtains Brevin Knight,
IF Fratello wakes up and inserts Hakin Warrick in the starting 5,
IF I find more excuses to use the word ‘inserts’, and
IF Gasol isn’t abducted by the Serengeti…then

…the Grizzlies will win the West


6. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
IF this Maggette for Artest deal really goes down,
IF Elton Brand stops trading hips with Estelle Getty,
IF Eliot doesn’t try and hide Sam Cassell in his closet,
IF Chris Kaman bics his head for the love of mankind, and
IF Shaun Livington can continue providing a big spark off the bench…

…then the Clippers will seriously win the West


7. LOS ANGELES LAKERS
IF Kobe can make one friend on Earth,
IF the Jeanie Buss porno gets into the wrong hands,
IF Lamar Odom sticks with the prozac,
IF Kwame Brown can average a double-double, and
IF Artest decides to pull a Kobe and snub the Clippers,

…then the Lakers will win the West


8. DENVER NUGGETS
IF Carmelo keeps playing with this new-found ferocity,
IF Kenyon Martin can play more than 2 games in a row,
IF Marcus Camby can stay healthy in the 2nd half,
IF they can obtain a shooter (Ben Gordon?), and
IF Earl Boykins (33 points Tuesday) keeps standing on his head…

…then the Nuggets will win the West


9. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
IF everyone on the team grows a Baron Davis beard,
IF Mike Dunleavy fully admits he has a vagina,
IF Mike Montgomery benches Dunleavy for Pietrus,
IF Ike Diogu doesn’t turn into Ike Austin, and
IF Adonal Foyle and Dunleavy are forced to give all their money to that bastard from O-Town so I don’t have to see those damn commercials for his new show on MTV…

…then the Warriors still won’t win the West


10. MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
IF Kevin Garnett finally flips out and knocks out Tyson Chandler,
IF Wally keeps playing Miami (OH) style,
IF Marko Jaric gets a normal PG number,
IF Dwane Casey finally gives up on the Trenton Hassell Experiment (no relation to the Tony Rich Project), and
IF they trade Olowokandi for Mark Blount already…

…then the T’Wolves still aren’t winning the West and KG might be requesting a trade


11. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS
IF Chris Paul continues his Masters of the Universe-type of play,
IF the team successfully promotes Speedy Claxton teeth night,
IF David West continues his Most Improved Player campaign,
IF PJ Brown doesn’t break a hip, and
IF Byron Scott discovers the magic of Chris Anderson…

…then the Hornets will still be a lottery team


12. SEATTTLE SUPERSONICS
IF Ray Allen keeps tackling scrub players into the first row,
IF Bob Hill realizes the value of Reggie Evans and Damien Wilkins,
IF Luke Ridnour admits he was a backup dancer for N’Sync,
IF Vitaly Potapenko reads Dino Radja’s autobiography, and
IF that 3-ball starts falling again…

…then the Sonics may very well take the Northeast


13. SACRAMENTO KINGS
IF Mike Bibby stops having to use SPF 4,000,
IF Kevin Martin ditches the hi-lo,
IF Bonzi and Abdur-Rahim can hurry back,
IF Rick Adelman doesn’t lose hope on life, and
IF Peja Stojakovic can revisit his 03-04 season…

…then the Kings can steal sneak into the Playoffs


14. HOUSTON ROCKETS
IF Jeff Van Gundy calls Sy Sperling,
IF T-Mac ditches these back problems,
IF Juwan Howard doesn’t have to be their go-to guy,
IF Stro Swift realizes he could be a good basketball player, and
IF we can figure out how Mutombo can stay healthy but Yao can’t…

…then the Rockets still have a shot at the Playoffs…


15. PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
IF they can stop destroying my fantasy team (I own Przybilla, Miles, and Outlaw)
IF McMillan stops starting Viktor “Be right back, I gotta take a” Khryapa
IF Steve Blake grows pubic hair,
IF they send Martell Webster down to the D-League to battle Gerald Green, and
IF they win 10 more games…

…then Nate the Great should win Coach of the Year honors

5 Comments:

At 1:19 AM, Anonymous Commander Penetrant said...

I always appreciate a good insult to Dunleavy's masculinity.

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger YaoButtaMing said...

Should I just give up hope that maybe the rockets can change the season around and make the playoffs?

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Anthony Peretore said...

Yao,
You remember me saying a few weeks ago that I still had hope for them. But here we are nearing the half-way point and Houston sits dead last in the West. While I wouldn't put it past T-Mac to get them back in contention (don't forget what the Nuggets did a season ago) I just don't trust that back of his nor the help surrounding him. I remain optimistic though, as should you.

 
At 1:57 AM, Blogger YaoButtaMing said...

Thanks Anthony. Its hard this year. So much hype and hope for this year to be our best. but look, 6 of our 8 top players out. its driving me crazy. I just hope they don't implode and trade everyone away because i really believe we have a great team! just need to be healthy :(

 
At 3:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"IF Mike Dunleavy fully admits he has a vagina,"

freakin' hilarious.

 

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